It's 1:46am on March 6, 2012. I really can't sleep.
This time I've been thinking about her. you know, the girl who I told everyone that she's "the one". yeah. I've been thinking about her the whole time. since the end of my shift, when I rode the jeep, walked through nagtahan bridge, and when I got home and lay down on my trusted bed, who's been loyal to me ever since.
This time it's different. I wrote about this girl who've I dated and she's not the real deal. I just want her company and I have no feelings for her. I'm sure of it this time.
I like her qualities. she's spontaneous, she's impulsive like me, and we're pretty much the same, at all aspects. the way we want to express ourselves, the dress and shirt we wore, the type of things we like to do. we were pretty much the same. and It's not right.
what I have learned for myself is that I keep on saying to everybody that I really got over her but in reality, I don't. I'm just escaping for the truth. I really made all my dates a getaway from reality that i can't really get off to.
I messed up. I'm too careful not to do things that can make us be apart, but because of that, I've become a sissy, a girl, a pussy. at that time, I'm the girl.
I'm not really that kind of guy, who will go all the way home to manila in a 4-6hrs drive but I did it. I don't buy things for a girl which is not practical and logical for us to have, that's not me but I did it. I'd do anything for her at that time because we were too far away and that what's makes me do those things. cause I know what it feels like to not be on a person's birthday. to not be at a person's side when she was really down. to not be able to help her do her passport cause it's making her crazy about what to put on it. to be able not to hug her when it's raining hard outside. yeah, I'm not that guy to be with her all the time because I'm too far from her. to say sorry eventhough I didn't do anything odd or a mistake. and that's why I did everything to work things out.
She's still the apple of my eye. I still smell her perfume on my pillow and sheets, I still listen to her songs. I still browse her pictures on that small pink lcd thing that her "officemate" gave her. I still love her from the bottom of my heart and this time I'm not gonna lie to myself, I still do want her in my life.
yeah I know this sucks. to love somebody who's not really not that into me. but you know what. that's love. to do it unconditionally is it's best quality. you see, you can love anybody, even if they really don't care about it, you'd still love them. that's what's great about loving somebody. you can make a goal for it. what I'm doing for that feelings is to shape my life. to someday see her, maybe in her home abroad, having a wonderful life, and maybe, just maybe start all over again, but that's a 0.01% of 100%. in other words, it's BS.
I have this letter which is I really don't know what to do to it and why I still have it when my wallet is snatched from me (I hid all my personal stuff in my wallet). I wrote it on the day that we broke up. actually, she really thought me how to write. which is what my job is right now. she shaped my life, she changed it. she made me the man who I am right now.
And that's why I'm very thankful for her. And that's why I still love her. She made me do things that I really thought I can't do. But I messed up.
She's happy right now, eventhough I don't really know what's happening to her (I really sucked at lying, Cyberstalking, how beautiful is it?). I know she's happy, and I'm happy for her too. that's love, to be happy for a person even though you think that you should be with her right now. I'm happy for her now.
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